I've been spending the last few days reflecting on this year and how it has profoundly affected me, and I wanted to write some of it down before I watched the ball drop this evening.

This is the fastest a year has gone by for me yet. I always say every year how fast time flies, but this is the first year that I've felt it go by significantly quicker than previous years. I remember exactly where I was last New Year's like it was yesterday, and Cats seems like it was over just a few weeks ago, not months. I wonder if it's because I'm getting older, or if it's just because of the events that have had so much of a significant impact on me this particular year that makes time feel like it's going by that much faster.

I spent last New Year's Eve in tears; I wonder if I'll cry again this year? Probably, but for different reasons. Do I see this year as a failure? I've lost so many meaningful relationships... but I made so many new ones. And lost them again. :\ I don't think this year was a failure, but that I was inevitably destined to have a year of great upheaval so that my world could be turned upside-down and I could start over again. I can't say I'm happy with how I've been treating my life since everything changed, but it's my life and my choices and now that I've made that bed I have nothing left to do but sleep in it.

My heart feels like there's a great chasm in it right now, so full of emptiness. When I make a mental list of all the good and bad things that have happened to me this year, the list of good things is longer than the bad, but the bad was so acute that it's like weighing feathers to lead. I feel like I have aged ten years in this one year, and with 25 around the corner I'm no longer the carefree person I was only a few short years ago. This soul-crushing sadness has robbed me of my mental youth, even if my physical youth is still intact. I'm taking steps to become a happy person again, taking control of what I can control, but you know... there's really only so much you can control. And that's the unfortunate thing, because even though you can't control everything, they can still make you sad. Maybe you can't control your brother's heroine addiction, but it still breaks your heart. And my heart, I'm just so tired of it being broken, and then almost healing, and then being ripped apart again. This time when it heals there's going to be a big, ugly scar.

I'm going to do my best to not dwell on 2009, but I don't have the clairvoyance I usually have about the upcoming year. I don't know what is going to happen to me in 2010. I'll just have to ride the boat and see what's in store.

21 BSG
04 Farscape
07 Jewel Staite
05 Castle
14 Dollhouse
30 Firefly
19 Trek



icon post is here @ swannee

[1-9] "The Nth Degree" (Star Trek: The Next Generation)
[10-21] Mission Logs - Season 2 (Star Trek: The Next Generation)


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There's something creepy about the turkey vultures sitting in a row on the back fence. They look like a troupe of mini-vampires...

[12] Zachary Levi icons
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[12] Zachary Levi icons
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10 hours 40 minutes until the New Year !!!
I hope you all have lots of fun on New Year's eve and that 2010 will be a wonderful year !!! ♥ ♥ ♥

[01-16] House Cast
[17-26] Jennifer Morrison
[27-36] Jesse Spencer
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[01-16] House Cast
[17-26] Jennifer Morrison
[27-36] Jesse Spencer
[37-46] The Big Bang Theory Cast

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Time to get your Psychic on! (The Big Bang Theory Pics! "The Psychic Vortex")

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Enter authorization code: nine-five-wiktor-wiktor-two

ICONS
96 ACTRESSES (Alexis Bledel, Anne Hathaway, Brittany Snow, Christina Ricci, Emily Browning, Eliza Dushku, Emma Watson, Famke Janssen, Grace Park, Heather Graham, Jessica Alba, Kirsten Dunst, Kristen Bell, Kristen Kreuk, Milla Yovovich, Rose McGowen, Scarlett Johanssen, Winona Ryder, Zooey Deschanel)
26 ACTORS (Adrian Pasdar, Chris Pine, David Boreanaz, Milo Ventimiglia, Michael Weatherly, Topher Grace, Zach Levi, Zach Quinto)
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38 STOCK and TEXTURES

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News
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